This week my husband had to say goodbye to his mother. Her death was definitely heartbreaking. I’m lucky that I can honestly say that she was an amazing mother-in-law and a lovely individual. The way she shared her creativity through thoughtful home-cooked meals, handmade greeting cards, and gentle works of art and photography holds a special place in my heart. She leaves behind a family and a husband who loved her very much.
Grief can be incredibly hard to carry and even harder to understand.
After going to her memorial service and having a meal with family, my husband and I returned home to finally relax and decompress after a difficult week. As I fell asleep that night, I was met with two dreams that reminded me of the intricacies of healing from grief.
First I saw my husband’s father rowing a boat on a lake. He was rowing the boat by himself. In real life, my in-laws really enjoyed going canoeing together, so seeing him rowing a boat alone made my heart ache. There were friendly people on the shore, calling out and saying, “Hello!” to him. He would smile, wave back and respond, as he continued to row the boat.
When it comes to grief, we often deal with emotions that others cannot even begin to understand. We’re rowing a boat on our own lake of feelings, and that can feel isolating. But from this little dream, I took two things to heart. First, if I’m grieving, it’s okay for me to feel like others are far away and don’t understand. That’s normal. But regardless, I can still appreciate and treasure their kindness, even if they’re unable to come out onto the lake.
Sometimes when grieving we want people to come out on to the lake with us but—they just can’t. We have to take and cherish what people can give us as we better learn to navigate things. At the end of the day, we are responsible for handling our own emotions. No one can row that boat of the heart for us.
On the other hand, when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving, it can feel like you’re trying to yell out to them to convey your love and care sometimes. I know I can never completely understand the grief of someone else and what they need to heal. But I can do the best I can.
It’s okay to feel like I’m shouting from the shore, although I want to be closer. I’m still lending my strength and my encouragement to that person who is rowing alone. It’s like cheering someone on as they are facing something incredibly difficult. That emotional support is still valuable, even if it has a distance to travel.
After that, I dreamed that my father-in-law was sitting in his car. He was in the driver’s seat, unsure of where to go. Then me, my husband, and my husband’s brother jumped into the car, and started giving him all of these crazy suggestions of where we should go. So he started driving, and we were just going all over the place. There were moments when we really had no clue of where we were going, but that didn’t matter because we all were just along for the ride, having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
When facing grief and loss, there are moments when we lose all sense of direction. We don’t know where to drive, where to go, and what to do. So we just sit there, stuck in the driveway. But when those who love us come along with some crazy ideas to help us get moving again, instead of locking the car doors on them, it’s better to just let them in. The results may be just some chaotic wandering around, but wandering can be fun, and it can bring us closer to others despite dealing with the pain.
On the other end of things, when it comes to giving comfort, this dream helped me to realize that when I notice someone in my life is stuck, there’s nothing wrong with sharing my crazy ideas with them or inviting them to do something different. Sometimes I hold back because I’m not sure if they’ll like it or not, but this is not about avoiding discomfort or chaos. This is about introducing movement back into someone’s life. When we use our creativity to bring beauty to the lives of others, we not only bring them some direction, but we also bring joy and healing. Doing so is worth the risk of awkwardness.
Any kind of goodbye or life shift that involves letting go can be confusing. Finding uplifting movement is essential.
This has been a melancholy week, and the daily rain showers have not been helping. But I really appreciate being able to observe how my friends and family have all come together to offer much needed support and care.