The dance between my ego and self has been a life long journey of looking for inner clarity.

When I was fourteen, I fell into exploring the rhythm of this dance. I asked myself, “If I could live completely as myself, what would my life possibly be like?” I was looking for a clear view of my innermost self, the secret person of the heart.

Then I wrote a novel about it, entitled Omnigirl.

The character of Lila is my creative potential.

Levi is my Ego.

So here’s how I’m currently using the roles of these characters to process my inner world. This post is a bit deep, so I recommend reading Omnigirl first (or at least what I’ve posted so far) to fully understand this. But I do think on some level, parts of this post can be kind of understood, even if you haven’t read the novel yet.

Inner Seeing Through Story

Throughout Omnigirl, Lila is collecting her own lost pieces, the other girls of The Five. Only until they are assembled and working together does she find Levi. It’s almost as if he’s formed from the blue pearl within herself.

Being opposites, they do not get along at first but even still, Levi mirrors back the Lila her own hidden power and the force of her intuition. The character style of Levi is a mirror that shows up again and again in my work. He’s a way for me to see the parts of myself I’m not ready to claim. Early on, this character has often shown up in ways that are immature and damaged, wearing a mask or hiding who he is.

This part of me was so not ready to face life, that other parts of my innerself literally had to let him go.

Ego release.

As freeing as that sounds, healing without the Ego and without pretense feels like raw perpetual failure. But when the Self surrenders the Ego, life returns.

So eventually, the Ego returned, testing to see if the more organized parts of my inner self was ready to accept him and remember. And although he returned more wise and experienced than before, he still carried shadow versions of himself.

I took time and work for this part of me to heal enough to regain his wings and wield a form of control that doesn’t come from fear, but from love that’s not bound to fear. The Ego loved his shadows back into himself and then was finally enough to hold the Self and meet her where she stood.

Afterwards they recombined once more, now with the goal of creating together.

Now, instead of being overly controlling, the Ego sits in his rightful place within me, helping me to maintain my boundaries and well-being. He gives Lila, my creative self, the energy to build her web of creations and is a guardian of what matters.